Today’s post is likely to stir up some controversy because it touches upon the sensitive topic of housework, who in the house is doing it and how well. It would be great if I could use the generic terms of “one spouse” does this and “one spouse” does that and avoid this controversy. However, the research demonstrates that, as most of us know, men and women approach and complete housework differently, so the comments have to be gender specific. Despite that, I invite you to approach this post not as another treatise on the uneven divide of housework, but as a useful guide for addressing the problems that arise in couples as they navigate this unpleasant chore. There are tips for both men and women, and they apply whether one spouse does all the work or the spouses split the work completely equally. This posts hopes to show that “housework” is not as static as it may seem, and it is impacted by many elements of life. Therefore, if you can better understand what affects how housework is approached and thought about, it may feel like less of a burden.
Historically housework was viewed as the “woman’s domain,” and a woman, especially a wife, used to spend a large portion of her time taking care of the house. However, as women began to enter the workforce, they had to begin splitting their time between their careers and housework. As this occurred, women obviously started to do less housework because they simply did not have as much time. So what happened to all that work that went undone? At first, you may think that the husbands took on the tasks, and that is in part true, as men’s contribution to housework has risen. However, research shows that, even with the increased input from men, the total hours spent on housework per family have declined from 17.5 per week in 1965 to 13.7 in 1995. This appears to be related to people reevaluating standards and deciding that housework is just not that important. Instead of doing housework people are allocating their time to other things[i].
So, our the culture as a whole can come to the conclusion that not all housework that used to be considered essential actually is, then maybe each individual family can begin to assess what housework tasks “must be” done and which are just preferred. For example, the family can decide that to alleviate doing the dishwasher once a week, the family will eat off paper plates or decide that the Cheerio- covered floor will only be swept every other day since it is again covered in Cheerios a few hours after sweeping anyway. Reassessing the absolute necessity of the tasks and eliminating those that are not important to this particular family may help family members feel less burdened. It is important that the family does an honest assessment rather than just assume that everything is critical because society says that “your house should be kept up.” If it works for your family, and it is not impacting anyone’s health or wellbeing, then it may be enough.
In addition to deciding which tasks will and will not be done, the family needs to decide to what standard the housework will be performed. Research has documented that women have a higher standard for housework quality than men. This likely stems from the fact that historically a woman’s evaluation as a wife was in part based on her ability to keep the house in order, while the state of the house did not say anything about the husband[ii]. Here again honesty is critical. If a wife expects her husband to pitch in and do things around the house, but then ends up redoing everything because it is not “up to her standard,” this is likely to result in a lot of marital conflict. Although the husband may have to try to be more diligent, this does not mean that the husband has to blindly conform to the wife’s standards. It just means that a conversation is in order. For instance, it may be helpful for the wife to acknowledge that her standards are based on a need to conform to an external image of “a good wife” and not on her true belief that for the house to function the cereals must be alphabetized. Therefore, this negotiation may involve a compromise between the partners.
Not only is housework impacted by internal qualities of the partners, but it is also heavily subject to external influences. For example, when stressed by work or other things outside of the home, men do less housework. In response to this, women will often pick up the slack. Interestingly, men are generally unaware of the fact that their wife had taken on the tasks in the home that they had not completed. However, when the situation is reversed, and the woman is stressed by events outside of the home, men have not been found to compensate. That being said, men were found to do the most housework when they perceived some stress internal to the house for themselves or for their wife[iii]. Interestingly enough, under these circumstances (high stress resulting from something in the home), the wife is least likely to notice the husband’s additional efforts. On the other hand, when the wife’s stress in the home is low, she is most likely to notice how much housework her husband is doing, but unfortunately, it is under these circumstances when he is likely doing the least amount. Therefore, it appears that when one partner “covers” for the other partner, this effort generally goes unnoticed. Over time, it is likely that the desire to pick up the slack declines and the resentment due to the feeling of “being taken advantage of” increases. This can obviously lead to marital conflict. Thus, personal stress, especially stress outside of the home for men and stress from inside the home for women, should serve as a cue for one partner to look at what the other is doing, chances are, they are doing more than usual. Pointing out that the effort is noticed and appreciated may go a long way to sustaining this effort and reducing marital conflict.
Interestingly, stress does not only appear to impact how much housework gets done and by whom, but also how the quality of that work is perceived. For instance, as the stress from the outside increases, the connection between how much time is spent on housework and the results perceived becomes weaker[iv]. This means that when you are stressed, you keep doing things but not feeling like you are getting anything done. Furthermore, when the stress originates in the home, women work longer to reach their level of satisfaction with the work. On the other hand, when the stress comes from outside the home, women work fewer hours for the same level of satisfaction[v]. This clearly speaks to the fact that “satisfaction” with one’s work is not dependent on how closely it approximates some outside standard and instead has to do with how one is feeling. Becoming aware of this tendency, may save many hours and thereby reduce the sense of burden that many feel.
When reading and thinking about these difficulties, an easy solution probably comes to mind – hire help or at least get some appliance that makes the job easier! However, research has found that this solution is not as widely implemented and, in some ways, is not as effective as it may at first seem. For example, it is assumed that a washing machine substantially reduces the amount of time that people spend doing laundry. However, research has found that people end up doing laundry much more frequently, and as a result, they do not experience all of the benefits of saved time that they could.
In terms of hired help, the impact on the overall tasks that are expected of a spouse differ by gender. Men tend to hire help that replaces a task they have to do, such as mowing the lawn. However, women tend to hire help that supplements the tasks they have to do, hence “cleaning for the cleaning lady.” The authors suggest that this may relate to the fact that it is culturally acceptable for men to not do housework and thus hiring help does not affect their identity while women feel the need to work along with the hired help[vi]. Here again, the acceptance that the woman’s actions are being driven by her compliance with a stereotype may allow her to accept the help that she is paying for and use her own time for something else.
Obviously, the financial situation of the family effects how much outside help is possible. Interestingly, the source of the money determines the kind of help that is sought. A higher income for the man is associated with all sorts of services, while the woman’s higher income is related to the hiring of cleaners and an increase in meals outside the home. This likely represents the fact that when the man earns more, there is more discretionary income for all kinds of help, but when it is the wife, she uses the money for those things that make her load lighter or those things she is not realistically getting to because of her job. Surprisingly, the amount of hired help does not relate to the person’s subjective assessment of being pressured for time. Furthermore, the number of hours spent in paid work was strongly related to the feeling of time pressure, but the number of hours spent in housework was not. Therefore, it makes sense that reducing the number of hours that people spend in housework by hiring help does not impact this subjective feeling[vii]. However, since this feeling of time pressure is primarily driven by perception rather than actual number of hours occupied, it may be helpful for people to project what getting outside help will do for them and then note if this is actually happening.
Few things in a marriage are as laden with stereotypes and historic assumptions as housework. Therefore, it is not surprising that given the central role it plays in the lives of most families, there is often a lot of conflict surrounding this topic. However, it does not have to be this way. If couples spend the time to tease out what is important to them and what are blind conformations to either stereotypes or old societal norms, they can narrow down the amount of housework that needs to be done and how well it must be completed. Moreover, if the couple becomes aware of those external elements that influence housework, and learn both how they themselves and their partner reacts to them, they can proactively avoid conflicts. At the end of the day, housework is not going anywhere and all we can do is reduce the amount of burden we feel from it and the amount of conflict we have about it.
[i] Bianchi, S. M., Milkie, M. A., Sayer, L. C. & Robinson, J. P. (2000). Is Anyone Doing the Housework? Trends in the Gender Division of Household Labor. Social Forces, 79(1): 191-228.
[ii] Bianchi, S. M., Milkie, M. A., Sayer, L. C. & Robinson, J. P. (2000). Is Anyone Doing the Housework? Trends in the Gender Division of Household Labor. Social Forces, 79(1): 191-228.
[iii] Pittman, J. E. & Kerpelman, J. L. (2001). Stress and Performance Standards: A Dynamic Approach to Time Spent in Housework. Journal or Marriage and Family, 63, 1111-1121.
[iv] Pittman, J. E. & Kerpelman, J. L. (2001). Stress and Performance Standards: A Dynamic Approach to Time Spent in Housework. Journal or Marriage and Family, 63, 1111-1121.
[v] Pittman, J. E. & Kerpelman, J. L. (2001). Stress and Performance Standards: A Dynamic Approach to Time Spent in Housework. Journal or Marriage and Family, 63, 1111-1121.
[vi] Craig, L. & Baxter, J. (2016). Domestic Outsourcing, Housework Shares and Subjective Time Pressure: Gender Differences in the Correlates of Hiring Help. Social Indices Research, 125, 271-288.
[vii] Craig, L. & Baxter, J. (2016). Domestic Outsourcing, Housework Shares and Subjective Time Pressure: Gender Differences in the Correlates of Hiring Help. Social Indices Research, 125, 271-288.
Can this help you? 